Types of abuse

People who physically abuse their partners do so to gain more power and control within the relationship.

If your partner has ever intentionally caused you physical harm, then it’s possible that you’re being physically abused.

What behaviours does physical abuse involve?

Physical abuse – often referred to as domestic violence – usually forms part of an ongoing pattern of controlling behaviour.

It rarely happens as a one-off* when a partner lashes out** without warning. Take a look at the list below:

• Punching you

• Slapping you

• Scratching you

• Pushing you

• Kicking you

• Biting you

• Burning you

• Choking you

• Pulling your hair

• Spitting at you

• Restraining you

• Throwing an object at you

• Stopping you from sleeping

• Stopping you from eating

• Harming you with weapons or objects

• Preventing you from calling the police

• Preventing you from seeking medical attention

• Harming your children

• Abandoning you in unfamiliar places

• Driving recklessly while you’re in the car together

• Forcing you to take drugs or drink alcohol (especially if you’ve had problems with addiction in the past)

If you’ve experienced any of the behaviours listed, please know that you aren’t alone and you aren’t to blame. It is not your fault.

On average, two women every week are killed by a partner or ex-partner in England and Wales: an alarming statistic. Call us now if you need to talk.

“It only happened once…”

Abuse is abuse. Physical violence within your relationship is unlikely to be an isolated incident. Perhaps it forms part of a bigger picture alongside emotional abuse or financial abuse?

Abusers tend to escalate both the frequency and intensity of violent behaviours over time. So chances are, it will happen again.

“He’s only violent when he’s had a drink…”

This is a commonly cited excuse for physical abuse. The reality is that, while drugs and alcohol can make existing abuse worse, they don’t cause it.

Many people use drugs or alcohol without then abusing their partner, so it’s not an excuse for violent or controlling behaviour.

In fact, the only thing to blame for physical abuse is the perpetrator.

If you’re concerned about your relationship, visit our get help pages.

Or for urgent temporary crisis accommodation, call our 24-hour helpline on 03333 449505.

*Statistics suggest that domestic violence / physical abuse is rarely an isolated incident, so even if this is the first time this has happened, it’s unlikely to be a “one-off.”

**Sometimes abusers will use phrases such as “lashing out” to excuse their harmful behaviour. They lost it. They flipped. They lashed out. Lashing out implies a loss of control. Physical abuse is quite the opposite. It is all about control and is designed to “keep you in your place.”

If your partner has ever manipulated you, humiliated you or made you feel scared of leaving them, they might be emotionally abusing you.

Emotional abuse can be frightening and hugely damaging to your self-esteem. It can leave you feeling depressed, anxious or even suicidal.

What behaviours does emotional abuse involve?

Emotional abuse is very closely linked with verbal abuse.

But while verbal abuse is characterised by aggressive or violent use of deliberately hurtful language, emotional abuse incorporates a wider pattern of behaviour that’s designed to diminish your identity, dignity and self-worth.

Emotional abuse isn’t any less serious – or less damaging – than physical or sexual abuse.

It isn’t “only” emotional abuse just because the harm isn’t visible. We’ve listed some examples of emotionally abusive behaviour below:

• Humiliating you

• Isolating you from friends and family

• Blaming you

• Intimidating you

• Making you feel scared to leave

• Bullying you

• Undermining you

• Being dismissive of your feelings

• Accusing you of being oversensitive if you speak up

• Making you feel guilty

• Gaslighting

If you’ve experienced any of the behaviours listed, we are here to help. We care. The only person responsible for emotional abuse is the abuser. It is not your fault. Call us now if you need to talk.

“It’s just banter…”

“The playful and friendly exchange of teasing remarks” – that’s the dictionary definition of ‘banter.’

There’s a clear difference between friendly, playful, equal and deliberately hurtful.

If the ‘jokes’ are belittling, critical, hurtful or make you feel like you’re going crazy, they aren’t playful or friendly. They are emotionally abusive. They’re intended to make you feel worthless, manipulate you and control your behaviour.

“But he didn’t hit me…”

The damage caused by emotional abuse is easier to hide than the bruises, scars or broken bones left by physical abuse.

But emotional abuse can be just as damaging, just as long-lasting and just as harmful to your mental health and self-esteem.

Never let anyone minimise your experience of emotional abuse just because they can’t see your scars. Remember, this isn’t your fault. You aren’t to blame.

If you’re concerned about your relationship, visit our get help pages.

Or for urgent temporary crisis accommodation, call our 24-hour helpline on 03333 449505.

If your partner has ever used language to hurt you – perhaps by speaking aggressively or violently, or by giving you the ‘silent treatment’ – or by swearing, name calling, threatening or harassing you, then it’s likely that you’ve experienced verbal abuse.

What behaviours does verbal abuse involve?

Verbal abuse often forms part of an ongoing pattern of controlling behaviour.

It’s not “only” verbal abuse and it’s not any less serious – or less damaging – than physical abuse. We’ve listed some examples of verbally abusive behaviour below:

• Swearing at you

• Shouting at you

• Calling you names

• Putting you down

• Threatening you

• Harassing you

• Ignoring you

If you’ve experienced any of the behaviours listed, we can help you. Please know that we care. You aren’t to blame. Call us now if you need to talk.

“Don’t most couples argue?”

Well yes, but arguments and abuse aren’t the same thing. Most couples have occasional disagreements – and different opinions are normal and acceptable in healthy relationships.

What isn’t normal – or healthy – is the repeated use of language to intentionally harm an intimate partner in order to assert power and control.

That isn’t about two people having a reasonable discussion; it’s about one person feeling worried about saying or doing the ‘wrong’ thing.

“But he didn’t hit me…”

The harm caused by verbal abuse is a lot easier to hide from the outside world than a black eye or a broken rib, but it can be just as damaging to the self-esteem and mental health of those who suffer.

Don’t ever let anyone minimise your experience of verbal abuse just because the scars can’t be seen. Remember, you didn’t cause this. It’s not your fault. 

If you’re concerned about your relationship, visit our get help pages.

Or for urgent temporary crisis accommodation, call our 24-hour helpline on 03333 449505

If your partner has control over your finances, prevents you from earning your own income or forces you to depend on them financially, it’s highly likely that you’re being financially abused.

Financial abuse is a component of coercive control designed to restrict your freedom. It often takes place alongside other abusive behaviours, including emotional abuse and verbal abuse.

What behaviours does financial abuse involve?

Financial abusers prevent you from having control over your money in order to try to gain power over you.

Financial abuse isn’t as well known as other forms of abuse, but it can be just as limiting and can have a significant impact on your self-worth – especially when used as part of a wider pattern of abuse.

We’ve listed some examples of financially abusive behaviour below:

• Stopping you from getting (or keeping) a job

• Making you hand over your wages or benefits

• Preventing you from spending money on yourself or your children

• Using your credit cards without your permission

• Controlling your bank account

• Running up debts in your name

• Gambling with family money

If you’ve experienced any of the behaviours listed, we are here to help. We care. The only person responsible for financial abuse is the abuser. Call us now if you need to talk.

“But he earns the money…”

Within loving, equal intimate relationships, both people should have access to family money.

It doesn’t matter if one of you goes out to work and the other stays at home with the children, you should be able to buy basic essentials such as food and clothing and you should be able to access any account that’s in your name.

“I’m rubbish with money so she deals with everything…”

There’s spending sensibly and living within your means; and there’s financial abuse. For people who have had debt problems in the past, it can sometimes feel like letting a partner take charge is the right thing to do.

But if you’re going without while your partner seems to have money to spend; if your partner is the decision-maker when it comes to how your money is spent; if you feel like a child requesting pocket money from a parent every time you ask for money; take a moment to think about whether this is part of a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour designed to restrict your independence.

One of the most troubling effects of financial abuse is that it can be used to prevent you from leaving. If you feel like you have no choice but to stay with an abusive partner because you don’t have the money to leave, take a look at our get help section.

Or for urgent temporary crisis accommodation, call our 24-hour helpline on 03333 449505

If your partner has ever pestered you for sex when you weren’t in the mood, touched you sexually when you didn’t want them to or aimed sexually orientated insults at you, then you’ve experienced sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse can happen to anyone regardless of age, gender, race, sexual orientation, religion, class or background.

Women and girls are more likely to experience sexual abuse but it can – and does – happen to men and boys too.

What behaviours does sexual abuse involve?

Sexual abuse includes any form of sexual activity (involving physical contact, words or photos) that takes place without the other person’s consent.

You’re more likely to be raped or sexually assaulted by someone you know – a partner, friend, colleague or other family member.

We’ve listed some examples of sexually abusive behaviour here:

• Pressuring or forcing you to do something sexual

• Touching you sexually when you don’t want them to

• Hurting you during sex

• Sending you sexually explicit texts and photos without your consent

• Aiming sexually orientated insults – such as slag, slut, whore – at you

• Engaging in sexual activity with you while you’re too drunk or intoxicated to give your consent

• Engaging in sexual activity with you while you’re asleep or unconscious

• Engaging in sexual activity with you if you’re below the age of consent (age 16 in the UK)

• Stopping you from using contraception against your will (see reproductive abuse for more information)

• Forcing you to watch pornography

• Taking sexual images or video footage of you without your permission

If you’ve experienced any of the behaviours listed, please know that you’re not alone. Around 85,000 women are raped in England and Wales every year and 90% of them knew their abuser before the offence took place.

Less than 15% of these people will report the crime. Remember, it isn’t your fault. The only person responsible for sexual abuse is the perpetrator. We are here to help. Call us now if you need to talk.

“He has a higher sex drive than me…”

Have you ever found yourself ‘giving in’ to your partner’s persistent requests for sexual activity despite being too ill, tired or simply not in the mood?

Have you ever blamed mismatched sex drives for one of you ‘needing’ sex while the other ‘goes along with it’? Then you’ve experienced sexual abuse.

A ‘higher sex drive’ is simply not a good enough excuse for harassing, pestering or manipulating someone into engaging in sexual activity that they don’t want.

“Isn’t sex a normal part of any relationship?”

Sexual intimacy within healthy, loving relationships is always consensual. When one partner pesters, forces, manipulates or instigates sexual activity against the wishes of the other partner, it’s abuse.

Your partner isn’t entitled to sex just because they’re your partner. If your relationship is a loving and respectful one, you won’t ever be forced to engage in sexual activity against your wishes.

If you feel like you might be in a sexually abusive relationship, have a read of our get help section.

Or for urgent temporary crisis accommodation, call our 24-hour helpline on 03333 449505

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation. Like all abuse, it’s designed to gain power and control over you.

Someone who harms you in this way will plant seeds of self-doubt to alter your perception of reality.

It builds up gradually, with the abuser chip-chip-chipping away at your self-esteem, so you might be totally unaware that it’s happening to you. 

What behaviours does gaslighting involve?

Ever felt as though you’re constantly second-guessing yourself? Found yourself questioning your own instincts? Felt like you’re going crazy?

Or been accused of cheating by a partner who has form for cheating themselves? Then it’s likely you’ve experienced gaslighting. We’ve listed some examples of gaslighting below: 

• Persistent and often blatant lying

• Undermining your confidence or intelligence

• Making you feel like you have to apologise all the time

• Making you question your own judgement, so you’re scared to make decisions

• Questioning your version of events, leaving you feeling confused and disorientated

• Make you feel inadequate – as though nothing is ever good enough

• Accusing you of going crazy, losing the plot or being mentally unstable

• Criticising you – for example, your looks, your job or your abilities as a mother

• Accusing you of being over sensitive, over-emotional, hysterical or neurotic

• Switching between charm and rage

• Accusing you of being paranoid

• Making you feel on-edge – even if you’re not sure why

• Accusing you of flirting or cheating – particularly if they have a history of cheating themselves

• Isolating you from your friends and family by suggesting that they’re in agreement – that they also think you’re over-sensitive / unhinged / a bad mum / whatever

• Making you defend them to other people – including family and friends who might have spotted the warning signs for themselves

• Making you behave in a certain way because you’re frightened of how they will react if you don’t

If you’ve experienced any of the behaviours in this list, you’re not alone. We’re here to help. And we care.

Remember that gaslighting is a criminal offence covered within coercive control law. It is not your fault. With the right support, you can put a stop to it for good. Call us now if you need to talk.

“I can be hard work and he puts up with all the bad stuff…”

Happy and healthy relationships aren’t actually hard work. Sure, there has to be some give and take and the occasional disagreement is perfectly normal.

But daily arguments, shouting, conflict and a general feeling of always being wrong or worrying about what happens if you do or say the wrong thing isn’t healthy or happy.

Think about how your friends would describe you. Do they think you’re “hard work” – or is it just your partner?

Do you “give as good as you get” or does the conflict happen when you try to stand your ground?

Do you “rub each other up the wrong way” or are you experiencing a form of psychological manipulation that you haven’t been able to see?

“I’ve been depressed and he’s been there for me…”

Suffering from depression can be tough for the patient and those around them. But it can also happen if you’ve been living with an emotionally abusive partner.

Think back to a time when you were happy. Was it before this relationship? Could the relationship – or more specifically, your partner – be the cause of your depression?

Gaslighting can result in severe anxiety and depression if it happens for long enough. Perhaps you feel like a weaker version of yourself now? Maybe you felt stronger in the past? You might even feel guilty for not feeling like your usual happy self.

If you can relate to any of the behaviours in the list above, it might be time to consider whether you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship and decide what to do next. 

If you feel like you could be in an abusive relationship, have a read of our get help section.

Or for urgent temporary crisis accommodation, call our 24-hour helpline on 03333 449505

Reproductive abuse – also known as reproductive coercion – is a form of abuse in which someone else controls your reproductive choices. Like all abuse, it’s used to gain power and control over you.

As you can imagine, reproductive abuse can have serious and life-changing consequences for those who experience it.

What behaviours does reproductive abuse involve?

If someone else has ever controlled your reproductive choices – such as deciding whether or not you can use contraception, whether or not you become pregnant or whether or not to continue with a pregnancy – then you’ve experienced reproductive abuse.

We’ve listed some examples of reproductive abuse below:

• Deciding whether or not you can use contraception

• Hiding your pills

• Secretly removing a condom during sex

• Lying about having a vasectomy

• Lying about being on the pill

• Promising to withdraw during sex and then getting “caught up in the moment”

• Piercing holes in the condom

• Threatening to end the relationship if you don’t have an abortion

• Threatening to end the relationship if you do have an abortion

• Doing whatever it takes to get you pregnant so you can’t / won’t leave

Reproductive abuse isn’t talked about much within the media or on other high-profile platforms, so it’s easy to think you’re on your own. You’re not. We’re here to help and you aren’t to blame. Call us now if you need to talk.

“He said he’d leave me if I didn’t have an abortion…”

In the UK, terminations are a perfectly legal method of ending an unwanted pregnancy. Within happy, loving relationships many couples choose to discuss the situation and come to a decision about what to do.

It is the woman – who endures pregnancy, labour and childbirth – who has the final say in what happens to her body.

No woman should ever have to endure either a termination or a pregnancy against her wishes. Your body; your choice.

If you’ve ever been emotionally manipulated into having an abortion – or into continuing with an unwanted pregnancy against your wishes – then you’ve experienced reproductive abuse.

If you feel like you could be in an abusive relationship, have a read of our get help section.

Or for urgent temporary crisis accommodation, call our 24-hour helpline on 03333 449505

Adolescent to parent abuse happens when an older child physically, emotionally or financially abuses their parent. As with all abuse, it’s designed to control, dominate and coerce you.

Although adolescent to parent abuse isn’t legally defined, it’s increasingly recognised as a form of abuse.

What behaviours does adolescent to parent abuse involve?

With adolescent to parent abuse, the behaviours involved create an environment where a parent is ‘silenced’ in order to avoid conflict or violence. This gives the child greater control.

If your child has ever threatened you, frightened you or manipulated you in order to control or coerce you, then it’s quite possible that you’ve experienced adolescent to parent abuse.

We’ve listed some examples of adolescent to parent abuse below:

• Threatening you

• Physically assaulting you

• Damaging your home or possessions

• Swearing, shouting and being verbally abusive towards you

• Degrading, humiliating or embarrassing you in front of others

• Threatening to run away or move out if you don’t do what they want

• Directing heightened sexualised behaviour towards you

• Stealing from you

Parent to adolescent abuse is a common – but often hidden – form of family abuse. Very few people want to admit that their own children are hurting them.

What did you do wrong to cause this? The answer is: nothing. This isn’t your fault.

The only person to blame for any abuse is the abuser. Call us now if you need to talk.

“Aren’t all teenagers stroppy though?”

Don’t confuse stroppy and hormonal with violent and aggressive. Don’t confuse typical teenagers testing boundaries with a child actively trying to control you. They aren’t the same thing.

It’s perfectly normal for adolescents to display a certain level of healthy anger, conflict and frustration during their transition from children into adults, but violence is about displaying behaviour that will control your actions by frightening you.

It’s not normal or healthy to be frightened of your child. If you are, it’s possible that you’re experiencing adolescent-to-parent abuse.

“Abused by my own child? How humiliating.”

That’s part of the plan. If you feel humiliated, embarrassed or degraded, you’re less likely to speak up.

You’re more likely to change your behaviour in order to accommodate their demands. You’re easier to dominate.

As with any abuse, the intension is to gain power and control. It’s unlikely that this will all go away if you keep quiet.

If you feel like you’re struggling and need some support, contact us now and let’s plan for the bright and happy future you deserve.

If you feel like you could be in an abusive relationship with your child, have a read of our get help section for some self-help tools.

Call our 24-hour helpline on 03333 449505

Elder abuse happens when the trust is broken between an individual and an older person.

It can be a single act, it can happen many times, or it can be a lack of appropriate action that harms or distresses that person.

What behaviours does elder abuse involve?

If you’ve ever felt pressured into handing over money or felt threatened, belittled or embarrassed by someone you thought you could trust, then you might have experienced elder abuse.

We’ve listed some examples of elder abuse below:

• Stealing from you or pressurising you to hand over money

• Forging your signature to write cheques in your name

• Making decisions without consulting you

• Pressuring you to change your will

• Adding another name to your bank account

• Sexually assaulting you

• Denying you access to your own money

• Not letting you speak for yourself

• Misusing lasting power of attorney

• Treating you in a way that makes you feel threatened, belittled or embarrassed

• Touching you in a way you don’t want to be touched

• Administering medication you haven’t been prescribed

• Physically hurting you – slapping, hitting or kicking you

• Threatening to stop visiting you / stop letting grandchildren visit you

• Neglecting your needs – not giving you enough food or making sure you’re warm

• Preventing you from going to the doctors when you’re ill

If you’ve experienced any of these behaviours – or if you know someone who has – please don’t suffer in silence. We’re here to help. Call us now.

“Don’t most people need help managing their finances as they get older?”

Some people do, yes. Lots of people appoint a lasting power of attorney to make decisions about their property and financial affairs in case they become incapable of making important decisions themselves.

But it’s important to remember that financial decision-making should always be in your best interests – not in the interests of those with access to the money.

Anyone who profits from a position of trust like this – for example, by stealing money, selling your home or pressurising you to change your will – is committing elder abuse.

“If someone is caring for me, won’t they need to touch me at some point?”

If you are no longer able to care for yourself then you might require assistance with daily care such as washing, dressing and eating as well as medical care.

Remember that while you have the mental capacity to consent to any touching, you are within your rights to refuse it.

If you’ve appointed health and welfare lasting power of attorney to make decisions on your behalf, your trusted person will make decisions for you if and when you become incapable of making those decisions for yourself.

Regardless of your mental capacity, inappropriate touching, sexual assault and physical abuse are never ok.

Take a look at our get help section for more information.

If you or someone you know have been affected by elder abuse, please get in touch so we can help you put a stop to it.

Abuse can happen regardless of age, class, disability, gender identity, sexual orientation, race or religion.

Patterns of domestic abuse can be similar in heterosexual and LGBT+ relationships, but when abuse happens within the LGBT+ community, there are several additional behaviours to consider too.

What behaviours does LGBT+ domestic abuse involve?

Domestic abuse that is LGBT+ specific doesn’t tend to happen in isolation. It’s often part of a pattern of behaviour intended to dominate and control.

It can incorporate physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse and sexual abuse.

If you’ve ever had your sexuality used as an insult, had your sexual identity criticised or been told you were over-reacting to threatening behaviour, it’s possible you’ve experienced domestic abuse.

We’ve listed some examples of LGBT+ abuse below:

• Using your gender identity or sexuality as a basis for threats, intimidation or harm

• Threatening to ‘out’ you to family, friends or work colleagues

• Controlling or discouraging contact with friends or the LGBT+ community

• Threatening to call the police and report you for abusing them

• Deliberately using the wrong gender pronouns

• Preventing you from accessing medical treatment or hormones

• Minimising the harm caused by their behaviour

If you’ve experienced any of these behaviours, please know you’re not alone. You’re not to blame.

The only person responsible for domestic abuse is the abuser. We can help you. We believe you. Call us now if you need to talk.

“Don’t all couples fight from time to time?”

The occasional disagreement is perfectly normal within healthy and happy relationships. Plenty of us can relate to a time when we had heated words with our partner and all was fine. Physical violence, control and coercion are never fine.

Have you ever tolerated physical violence within your same-sex relationship because you didn’t feel like you’d be taken seriously if you tried to report it? Kept quiet when you felt like something wasn’t quite right because you were afraid you’d give the LGBT+ community a ‘bad name’ if you spoke up?

That isn’t healthy or happy. We can help you put an end to it.

“All the domestic abuse support out there is for straight couples…”

Statistics tell us that domestic abuse is a gendered crime, with women more likely to be victims and men more likely to be perpetrators.

That’s why support and advice tends to focus on helping female victims escape from male abusers.

This does not mean that we won’t help you if you’re in a LGBT+ relationship and need support. Your abuse is not less important.

You are not less deserving of a brighter and happier future than anyone else. We are here for you too.

Take a look at our get help section for more information.

If you need urgent temporary crisis accommodation, call our 24-hour helpline on 03333 449505