Time-Out Technique
You can download the pdf here.
The Steps:
Step 1: Recognise You Are Angry
Each individual will have their own pathway that led to violence and abuse becoming part of their relationship. In order for you to take control over your anger, you need to understand your individual patterns. Determine what your own personal warning signs are that you are starting to lose control. These might be how you are feeling (shaky, breathless, upset) or how you are behaving (shouting, swearing, glaring).
Step 2: Referee
Declare a Time-out. Practice how you will actually say- ‘I need a Time-out’- being able to say ‘I have to go calm down. Try to ask for a Time-out before you reach a point of anger where you don’t feel in control- telling someone ‘Leave me the f... alone is not an appropriate way to‘ declare a Time-out’.
Step 3: Remove Yourself From The Situation
If you are not there, you can’t kick off. You need to find a place that you can go that will help you calm down. Try and have several options- what will you if you can’t go to the first place?(have some backups for different places and times of day).
Step 4: Relax - First Extinguish The Fire
If you go and punch something or swear or shout- you may continue to feel wound up.
Burn the fire out with something PHYSICAL but NOT VIOLENT- push-ups/ press-ups/ go for a run or a stress ball/ doodle pad.
Step 4 (Part 2): Relax and Distract (minimum 20 minutes – maximum 1 hour)
Do something that chills you out and calms you down – perhaps meditation, listening to calming music, sitting in the garden.
Try to take your mind off whatever made you angry. If you need to,contact a family member or friend that you know you can trust to calm you down.
If you start obsessing on what made you angry, purposefully try and distract your brain from it again for the full 20 min.
Step 5: Ring and Return
After you are completely calmed down, think about whatever it was that made you angry in the first place.
Are you still angry? (remember, ANGER is fine- it is VIOLENCE that is not OK)
Can you do anything to resolve the problem? If you can’t resolve it, can you let it go? Can you move on without hanging on to it?
Ring and see if the other person is ready for you to come back to discuss what happened- then go back and discuss things calmly. If it kicks off again, go back to step 1! If you cannot discuss things calmly, it may be that these discussions need to take place another day.
